Put the Focus on Having Your Relationship Work
Once you establish an intimate relationship with someone, you will have a relationship with that person for the rest of your life. This is true whether you live together or apart. Even if you move to the North Pole, a part of the other person will still be with you. Both of you are partners in your relationship, and will be, for the rest of your lives.
To the extent your relationship works, your life will be more enjoyable and more productive. When your relationship doesn’t work, you suffer. Whenever you are with the other person or even think about that person, you get upset. You become tense and frustrated. You lose your happiness, your energy, and your peace of mind.
A relationship that doesn’t work affects every aspect of your life. Sometimes the upsets become so consuming that you become ineffective. You can’t move forward. Even future relationships are affected. You carry a part of it wherever you go.
Until you heal your relationship, you will never be totally free.
The nature of your relationship also determines your ability to resolve issues. This is especially true when separation or divorce is a possibility. Couples who cooperate resolve their issues quickly. Couples who work against each other create a nightmare.
Whenever you take action to come out on top, without regard to the other person, you create opposition. The other person doesn’t like coming out second best anymore then you do. So whenever you do something to put you first, and your partner second, you force your partner to fight to protect him or herself. Then you have to fight to be protected from your partner. Then your partner has to fight even harder to be protected from you. You create a vicious cycle that produces tremendous damage and usually lasts for years. It’s just like war.
When you resolve issues by force instead of cooperation, you play tug-of-war with each other’s well-being. The name of the game is survival. The motivator is fear and resentment.
When there is no focus on resolving issues, they don’t get resolved. Conflict goes on and on with no end in sight. Damage and suffering become greater and greater.
People think that if they fight hard enough, then somehow the issues will then get resolved in their favor. It just doesn’t work that way. Issues usually get resolved somewhere in the middle, with both sides being somewhat disappointed.
The more you gain the other person’s cooperation and concern for your well-being, the more your life will flow. Issues can be resolved quickly, and everyone’s well-being will be preserved.
And remember, how you handle your interactions with the other person will affect the quality of your life from here on out.
So put the focus on having your relationship work. If you decide to go your separate ways, a working relationship can allow you to part as friends, being fully supportive of each other. If you decide to stay together, a working relationship will certainly make your life more enjoyable.
So whatever happens, have your relationship work. Have it work, whether you stay together or not.
Action to Take
• Notice that you will have a relationship with the other person for as long as you live, even if you never see that person again.
• Look at the effect this relationship has on the quality of your life. Notice how much easier your life would be if your relationship was supportive.
• Do whatever you can to heal your relationship. Make it a top priority. Have your relationship work, whether you stay together or go your separate ways.
© Foster Common Unity Counselling Services
1015 Princess Avenue, Brandon, MB R7A 0P7
204-728-3758 or fax 204-725-3103